All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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