We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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