I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
