She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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