u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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