Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
