It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
