she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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