I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
