Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
