i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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