I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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