it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
