Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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