Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole