note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.