Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.