i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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