My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
