you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
