I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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