Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We smell like vodka and hangover
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