Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
