He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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