I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
