So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
