She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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