does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
