I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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