my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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