I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
