He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
