I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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