Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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