sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
