3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
