he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
