swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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