I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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