dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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