Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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