i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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