so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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