There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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