they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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