Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
