apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
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She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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