you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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