Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
