please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
