I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
