i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
