Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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