i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Houston, we have a squirter
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
